Fear is a natural instinct. It helps us stay safe by alerting us to danger. For example, if there’s a tiger in the room, we would be afraid to enter, and that fear makes sense. Once the tiger is gone, the fear disappears, too. But what happens when our fear isn’t tied to something specific, like a tiger or a snake? What if we’re just afraid of something but don’t know what that something is? This is called the fear of the unknown, and it’s more common than you might think.
As parents, we sometimes unintentionally make this fear worse for our kids. We might not even realize we’re doing it, but our actions and words can create anxiety about things that aren’t even threats. The good news is, with a little awareness and effort, we can help our kids face these fears and feel more confident in the face of uncertainty.
What Is the Fear of the Unknown?
The fear of the unknown is exactly what it sounds like: fear of things that are unclear, undefined, or not easily understood. Unlike a fear of a tiger (which is logical, because we know the tiger can hurt us), fear of the unknown doesn’t have a clear object. It’s more like an unsettled feeling, a worry about something that may or may not happen, but we don’t know exactly what that is.
For example, imagine a child who’s nervous about going to a school fair because they feel they have to attend, even though they really want to go on a family picnic. When asked why they’re so worried, they might say, “I don’t know!” That’s the fear of the unknown—it’s a vague feeling without a clear cause.
How Parents Might Make It Worse
Parents can unintentionally make the fear of the unknown worse in their children in several ways.
Overreacting to small mistakes, like stressing over a few lost marks, makes children feel any error is a big deal.
Hyping up worst-case scenarios, like “If you don’t study, you’ll fail in life,” creates unnecessary fear.
Worrying excessively about their future, even over small things like kindergarten grades, adds to anxiety.
Pushing children into fears too quickly, like forcing them to speak in public, can backfire. Pressuring them to compete or always succeed makes them feel inadequate.
Constantly seeking permission for small decisions makes children insecure about their own choices.
Forcing them into activities they don’t want to do makes them feel helpless.
Talking negatively about the future, like “You won’t get into a good school if you don’t excel,” creates fear.
Expecting perfection leads to the fear of failure. Lastly, not reassuring them during uncertain situations leaves them feeling overwhelmed and anxious.
1.Overreacting to a Child’s Results
Let’s say your child scores 96 out of 100 on a test. You might respond with, “How did you lose 4 marks? You studied so well! What happened?” The child starts to feel anxious, not about the 4 marks, but about something more undefined—like, “Did I do something wrong?” This can build unnecessary worry about performance and outcomes, even when there’s no real problem.
2.Instilling Fear About the Future
We often tell our kids that they have to be the best at everything. Phrases like “You have to top the class to succeed” or “If you don’t get into IIT, you won’t get a good job” can cause anxiety about an uncertain future. The truth is, there are many paths to success, and not everyone can or needs to be at the top.
3.Worrying Too Much About Small Setbacks
Sometimes, parents worry excessively about small things. For example, a mom might be really upset because her 4-year-old daughter got a “B” on a drawing test. That worry transfers to the child, who then starts to feel that even tiny mistakes could mean big problems. The child ends up fearing failure, even over things that don’t matter in the long run.
4.Forcing Kids Into Activities They Fear
Pushing a child to perform on stage when they’re terrified of public speaking, or forcing them to swim when they’re scared of water, doesn’t help them overcome fear—it can make it worse. The child begins to associate fear with trying new things. Not every challenge needs to be faced immediately. It’s okay to give kids the time they need to work through their fears.
5.Always Seeking Permission
If a child constantly has to ask for permission—whether it’s “Can I use a sketch-pen?” or “Is it okay if I cover my book with brown paper?”—they can start feeling unsure about their own decisions. This worry about approval can lead to the fear of unknown outcomes. It’s important to help children trust themselves and their choices.
6.Making Kids Feel Helpless
Sometimes, children may not want to do something—like going to a dance class—but parents force them. This makes the child feel powerless. They might start to fear that they have no control over their own life. Avoiding this helplessness is key to reducing fear. Let your child make small choices and feel in control of their own decisions.
How to Help Your Child Overcome the Fear of the Unknown
Here are some simple ways to help your child cope with the fear of the unknown:
1.Acknowledge the Fear
The first step is recognizing the fear. If your child is anxious but doesn’t know why, simply acknowledging that they’re feeling scared is helpful. You might say, “It sounds like you’re worried about something, but we’re not sure what it is. Let’s talk about it.” Just naming the fear can make it feel less overwhelming.
2.Ask: What’s the Worst That Could Happen?
Help your child imagine the worst-case scenario and see that it’s usually not as bad as they think. For example, if they’re afraid of speaking in front of the class, ask them, “What do you think will happen if you mess up?” Often, just talking through the fear makes it feel less threatening.
3.Normalize Failure
It’s important for kids to understand that failure isn’t the end of the world. Let them know that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that learning often comes from trying and failing. This takes away the fear of not being perfect.
4.Don’t Force Unnecessary Challenges
Sometimes, it’s okay to let your child avoid a situation they’re not ready for. For instance, if they’re afraid of performing on stage, don’t force them. You can help them ease into it slowly or try a different way to build their confidence.
5.Teach Them to Trust Themselves
Help your child make their own decisions and trust their judgment. Encourage them to think about what feels right for them, and let them know that it’s okay to not please everyone. This builds their confidence and reduces the fear of disappointing others.
6.Model Healthy Responses to Fear
Kids learn by watching their parents. If you face a challenge or fear, show them how you handle it. Let them see that it’s okay to be scared but that it’s also okay to face your fears with courage and patience.
Conclusion: It’s Okay to Be Afraid of the Unknown
Remember, the fear of the unknown is completely normal—it’s something everyone experiences at some point. It’s not a sign of weakness or something that needs to be “fixed.” The important thing is to recognize it, understand where it’s coming from, and use healthy strategies to cope with it. By helping your child navigate their fears in a supportive and understanding way, you’ll be empowering them to face the uncertainties of life with confidence.
Mrs. Yogita Dhande
Competitive Exam Coach